Blogging emotions

It’s yet another day of my struggle with my alter ego. How far insane is thinking that “talking to yourself” is normal? That’s where I’m at now (I feel like Gollum and Sméagol – The Lord of the rings). My level of insanity I suppose.

 I had plans. I’m a planner. I like planning things. I like them to happen according to a specific plot. Now it turns out that all that I’ve planned turned out to be crap. Drafts of all sorts, they were. I never reached a final manuscript.

I stress about how to get out of here. I’ve planned for the day of my freedom to come. It was a good plan but now I’ve had two more plans which were crappy but okay. They all went straight to the garbage bin. Now I have a new plan. And I was hoping that Tj would be in it with me. Together. The two of us. I was expecting him to tell me that he will be wherever I will be but apparently, I feel like he keeps on changing his mind. It’s as if he lost all of his interest in being with me. He appears to be un-excited. Maybe I’m wrong. I always think of him this way because I feel like he’s been different lately. I miss the Tj that I knew before. I miss the Tj that always reminded me that I was that one person in the world that he waited for.

I know he has options. I shouldn’t be dragging him down to the misery that I am in. He deserves better than being with somebody like me. I’m nothing. I have become nothing. I used to want to be something. Someone who has accomplished a lot of things but that wasn’t my luck. I became this. A dark and twisty person who thinks differently, who is insecure and jealous all the time, and who believes in everything that her alter ego thinks is true. I don’t deserve to love anybody because I am unworthy and incapable of doing so.

I’ve been putting him through hell when I should be giving him heaven on earth because that is what he has given me.

Am I insane enough to drive the only person that all others couldn’t even slightly be like away? 

Hung over

I forced myself to seize the moment

But how can I bring myself to such an extent if

I only desire for each moment to become

Concrete evidences of the years to come

Which I so long to share with you?

My love for you has grown weak

Weaker and weaker each passing day

Poisoned by the whispers of possibilities of betrayal and

Imageries of illusions that have taken form in my tainted mind

And to what end?

My love for you soon to be shattered, wasted,

In the abyss of abstract delusions

For you lack the capability to ease my troubled mind

I yearn to be with you

I yearn to feel your warmth pressing against my trembling body

I yearn for your lips against mine

Binding us

I long to hear that you love me

For hearing so will make me believe that

Moments apart can be cherished

For they soon can be dreams that have come to pass which

Shall be chambered in our hearts

As we walk along the path of unveiling happiness

Together as one.

Yet another

He is the one, the one that I prayed for all my life. He loved me. He did. And I know that. I felt that. But still, I broke up with him. I let him go. I feel stupid right now. I feel like somebody is telling me that I am. But I feel more stupid when I feel really lonely and he doesn’t care. When I’m crying and he doesn’t have the right things to say. When I want to talk to him and he makes me feel that he wants to be somewhere else. When I want to talk about how much we love each other and all he can think of talking about is making love with me. When I have all these plans for our future and he just says yes as if he doesn’t care about it. And when I run away and he doesn’t come after me. He makes me happy. He is everything to me. I did almost everything. I even became a bad person. A person that according to him, isn’t good for him. I feel worthless. Why can’t I be his everything? Am I not worthy to be given everything? Am I not worthy to be chased after like any other girl?

He doesn’t understand me. He doesn’t know how to make me feel better.

I know that most of the time I am unbearable. And I know that loving for me sometimes is the same as owning. I can’t trust him because as immature as it may sound, he doesn’t assure me. I’m scared to lose him. That is why I need to be told as often as possible that I’m the only one that he loves and he will never leave me.

I feel like he has grown tired of us for quite some time now. I feel like he was just waiting for this day to come that I would break up with him. And I feel like he is praying that I won’t call him anymore. I feel like he is relieved and happy.

Why can’t you make me feel better? Do you not love me anymore?

As if dying

A massive heart attack, one that's fatal. That's what I felt today. From the time that I have waken until now that I'm about to be in a deep slumber. Heartaches they were. Though I have endured all sorts in the past, never have I gone through one of such kind. Maybe it is because it has been inflicted by the only person that I would trust my life with, a life that has been hanging by a thread for some time now. First he has shown no interest in other things to talk about but the sight of me naked in front of a highly advanced device designed to deliver images to other devices shortly after permitted to do so. This has been one of the many things that hurt me in the past because even if I offered my heart to all the different people that I hoped to love, they saw me for a different purpose, one that requires me naked in bed and giving them another kind pleasure. Second, he has been making me feel unattractive by merely saying that my lips we're stained by smoking too much and agreeing that I didn't get any of the beauty that my mother possesses and that I have but one that I share a commonality with her and that is my vagina. Third, it pains me to know that he has come to think of me, even for a slightest chance, that I could be the horrid person that everyone else has concluded about my whole being in spite of all the other reasons that caused me to be different. This made me feel not only unpleasing physically but also through the psyche that resides in me, the core of my being.
And so, I have been playing a part where I hide my true emotions from him because I knew deep in my heart that he did not mean a word that he uttered. It was not of his intention to hurt me. In fact, that would be the last thing that he would do to me for he loves me. Then again I faltered and finally given up. I chose not to talk to him anymore and insisted on it but he was persistent. More often than not, he makes me exhilarated with joy so when he asked for forgiveness, I willingly submitted. I cried a lot. I couldn't help it. They were just flowing as if a leakage that is uncontrollable. As expected, he truly did not mean to hurt me. We have spoken of words that made me feel so much better. I think I may have reacted this way because after many years of waiting, he has finally found me to stitch me up from the pains that caused me to be broken. All along I thought that he saw me differently, that I am special and unfamiliar with all others because he saw me as his bride someday. A wife that deserves some good things in life that she has long been deprived of having. I love him with all of my soul and like him, I too make mistakes and I have said things that hurt him which can be undone by saying and showing how deeply sorry I am.

Words

Absence and emptiness;
two simple words that brings a great weight
of irony and loneliness
which somehow I couldn't understand
waiting and acceptance;
two simple words which if you
come to really think of
can be very hard to do
freedom and happiness;
two simple words that I wasn't chosen to have
contentment;
a simple word that is vast
and that no one is chosen to be capable of doing
and held accountable for
words
these are only words
words which haunts me
words that I long to have
to embrace
wholeheartedly,,

You and I;
two simple words that keeps me grounded
and hinders my insanity
together and forever;
two simple words that lingers within me
and I hope to be waking up with
in a different reality
soon;
a simple word that is not within my reach
but I someday want to have
just so I can simply touch you,
simply feel you,
and simply hold you
for you are the only one I have,
the only one I choose to have
until after all the irony
and until after eternity

words

these are only words

words which haunts me

words that I long to have

to embrace

wholeheartedly,,

Withdrawal

Hormones and love

Do you know why you feel so euphoric when you’re in love? Why you feel happiness when you’re with your love? Do you know what happens in your body and how you can influence this all?

Well I’ll try to tell you something about this. I’ll tell you something about at least six hormones that are involved with love. You probably know them, at least the names. So let’s talk about adrenaline, dopamine, fenylethylamine, endorphin and oxytocin.

Dopamine

Did you know that when you’re in love, dopamine gives you the same feeling as when you would use cocaine? Every time you see your love, you get a shot of dopamine and it’s addictive. Everyone who has been in love knows they wanted to see the one they were in love with again and again and again.

But when you’re in a relationship for a longer period, let’s say about two years; your body doesn’t produce that much dopamine anymore. The feeling of being in love slowly changed in loving him or her.

When you eat healthy, you’ll probably get enough vitamin B6 and magnesium.Those two together make your body produce dopamine. So make sure you get enough. And besides food, nice things like sex can lead to an extra production of dopamine.

Fenylethylamine

Uhhh What? Yeah, try to pronounce this word without stumbling.

Fenylethylamine is produced in your brain. It has the same effect as XTC and speed. Your heartbeat is increasing, you start to breath faster, and the palms of your hands start to sweat, your cheeks and genitals get an extra blood flow and you start to feel happier.

When you eat a lot of cheese, eat lots of chocolate and drink plenty of red wine, maybe your brain gets some extra Fenylethylamine. (Besides the fact you’ll probably get nauseous.) Most of this gets decomposed in your intestines. When you have eye contact your brain also produces Fenylethylamine. The pupils of your eyes get bigger. But only when you see something you like. On the other hand, when you get the fright of your life, your brains starts producing this hormone too.

Adrenaline

Who hasn’t heard of it? The hormone that makes people run or fight. But when you’re in love adrenaline causes the reaction that you’re on standby all the way. Your pupils get bigger, your heart rate goes up, your breathing gets faster and you’re not so hungry because your digestive system starts to work slower.

If you want to let the adrenaline flow, get really angry, get into a situation where you get really scared, get overheated or go outside in your underwear when its ten degrees below zero outside or get some real physical exertion at the gym or maybe even at home with your loved one.

But be careful when you have a bad heart because in that case too much adrenaline can get you into trouble.

Endorphin

Endorphin is the morphine that your own body produces when you feel pain. When you’re in love it has the same effects as heroine and opium which cause you to feel more happy and joyful.

Eating fat, chocolate (Mmm again chocolate) and sugars make you produce more endorphin. An orgasm or running more than just around the block or far away from your in laws has the same effect.

When your body is producing less endorphin, there is a chance that you feel depressed or have mood swings.

Vasopressin

Vasopressin works for men in the same way as ocytocine does for women. It’s said that this hormone makes people monogamous.

If you want enough of this hormone, you'd better drink no alcohol. Alcohol is a restraining factor for the production of Vasopressin. When a man ejaculates there is a large amount of this hormone made by the hypothalamus and released in the blood stream. Vasopressin is also an antidiuretic hormone. So when you have enough of this hormone, you won’t wet your pants very easy. (If you have them on)

Oxytocin

Oxytocinis also called the mother hormone or cuddle hormone because when a mom breastfeeds her baby, this hormone is produced in large quantities. When you hug or caress this hormone is produced too. It makes you feel connected, takes away fear and makes you feel confident. That’s why a lot of people need foreplay before being able to make love all the way.

Where would we be without our own drug alike hormones?

Article by: 

Lazur

From Netherlands

Admission

Is a person capable of loving a hundred and 1 percent? I think that's what I am capable of doing. Ever since I've come across the rush of adrenaline and oxytoxin (some of the hormones responsible for feeling love), I wasn't able to stop. I haven't felt loved by the people around me, people whom I expected to love me in the first place because they were my family. And so I took refuge in the arms of a lot of the wrong people whom I thought were the right ones for the time being.
Years have passed and still I was in struggle. It was as if I was in a race I couldn't win because though I felt like running to get to somewhere so fast, I wasn't moving.
Now I found the one that I have been waiting for my whole life, the one that I know God made especially for me, I think I am messing it up.


Fact: I am in love with him.


But why am I being a pain in his ass?


For the past year, I have been nothing but a maze to him. A puzzle he couldn't put together.

Vague.
Complicated.
Compromised.

I want all his attention. I want him to listen. I want him to say he loves me all the time. I want him to make me feel that he does all the time. I want him to care about how I feel. I want him to understand if I'm not in the mood. I want him to understand if I'm angry. I want him to say sorry. I want him to sugar coat every single word he says to me when I'm angry. I want him to be calm if I'm screaming. I want him to comfort me while I'm crying. I want him to appreciate my efforts. I want him to stop drinking excessively. I don't want him to talk to other women. I don't want him to touch other women. I want him to find a job. I want him to make me see that he wants a future with me. I want to feel that he is ready for a family with me. I want him to rescue me from all of my depression and anxiety. I want to be with him. I want to kiss him. I want to hug him. I want to laugh with him. I want to feel him.

I.

That's the problem.

I only want what's best for me. I am selfish. I am jealous. I am paranoid. I suck at listening. I don't want to listen. I don't want to be told. I only want things done my way. I don't care how he feels. I don't know what he needs. I don't know what he really wants to do. I don't know if he really still loves me despite all of the pain that I'm causing.

I don't want to lose him. I do these because of this. I know I will if I continue being like this. I need to find a way to love him unconditionally.

I am truly sorry.

Supposedly Quitting.

I was planning on quitting smoking today. My plan was not to buy a pack starting today and just think of not dying early because I did so for starters. Then again, I failed. I failed because smoking calms me and it was a very stressful day. My fiancée was the cause of it all. And because I'm not really a big fan of worrying, I started to think of 
quitting love as well. All in days work. I thought that I could do it. No special effort required. Saying it was just so easy. "I quit." Not that hard to say. (Try it.) But then, the hardest part was realizing and thinking things through. "Should I be so radical?", "This is crazy and shallow." "He should be moving on fast. He'll be fine." "How about me? Can I do this?" (I talked to myself yet again.) I did nothing for I was unsure. I was about to kick the best thing that ever happened out of my life. I get to be scared and hesitate for a minute here. I got to talk to him after hours of waiting. He was in awe. All he can say was freakin' "SORRY". No valid reasons. No nothing. I yelled. And yelled. Smoked five sticks of Marlboro's one after another. And calmed down. It went down to the conclusion of never-ending acceptance, understanding, and forgiveness. This goes to show that quitting smoking and love isn't easy after all.

Tj

The clock ticks loudly.
Am I the only one hearing this?
I moved forward to look closely.
The clock was ticking but the hours passed slowly.
Am I the only one seeing this?
I moved, everything was in a delirious ecstasy.
I am numb.
Am I the only one feeling this?
Then I realized that the time has stopped because I was lonely.
Lonely for I long for you
because you are not here with me.

tERe
09302010

:)

Got engaged today.. :)

I love you but I don't have to like you right now

Here's one thing that you can mock about:


You just lost your girlfriend and I hope you are happy about it.


There are things that you want to do but you just can't. For example: I wanted to be a good girlfriend. I tried. I kept trying. But he just pushes me to the opposite direction.


I might be an odd person. I might not be easy to get along with because I may be different from others because I know what I want and I tell people how I want things to be.


From the start, I wanted simple things from him and I specifically reiterated that he complies. But during the almost 7 months that we have had this relationship, he just doesn't get it. These are just simple things that I want for God's sake. How can this be too hard?


Since we're far from each other, a long distance relationship, I just wanted text messages from time to time to know where he is, what and how he's doing, and I just wanted time.


Oftentimes he complies but most of the time, he keeps forgetting. And so, that just gives me the impression that sometimes he doesn't care. 


I work all day, I try to make sure that he knows I'm okay. I call him the minute I get home because I miss him so much all the time. I just want him to appreciate all this.


I know, yeah, I know, he's got a mind of his own, he has his own things to do and his world just can't rotate around me. Admittedly, I find this hard to accept. I love him too much. I might even be crazy about him.


I was actually practicing : "being good" for a week now. But still we had a fight tonight. I kept calm. I waited to be calm before I called him. But then I just got mocked about. I told him to stop. I wondered what was wrong with him. He just made me so mad. He made me do this. I called the relationship off.


This might be good. So much for my grand plan. Now I can just think of myself. Maybe I have always been alone. I am meant to be alone.


This should be hard and I don't want my love for him to be swallowed by all of the hatred that i feel for him right now.


I'm sorry this happened. I'm sorry I'm not good at this. And I'm sorry that you think that it is always my fault.


I love you. God knows how much I do but "I'm done. And I quit."

Lacking spontaneity

organized - methodical and efficient in arrangement or function
orderly - marked by or adhering to method or system
methodical - characterized by ordered and systematic habits or behavior


These are some words that I can best describe myself. I somehow fear that I am obsessive - compulsive sometimes, but that's just way beyond how I am as a person. I like keeping things in order, I want to plan things out and it would be great if it's ahead of time. It just ruins my day if what's on the day's agenda goes wrong or would have some delays. I've been like this since I was in Elementary. It has gotten worst when I was in High School. I had control of it when I was in College. And now, I already know what I'm doing. Being this way was great for me. And I can say that I am not spontaneous. Nevertheless, I love it, my boss loves it, and I hope the person who I will spend the rest of my life with would learn to love it.  


Everything in my life has been planned out and some alterations could be acceptable if I really want it done.


How's this for a plan?

• Work here for another year and a half to pay off debts and to save some money. (Money for local job applications.)
• Go home and stay for good for 2 years. (Work and get to know "the boyfriend" well.)
• Find a job and keep it for 2 years. (Save money for job applications abroad.)
• Get married at the age of 28? But won't have kids yet. (Hmmm...)
• Apply for a job abroad with hubby. (On a cruise ship or somewhere else?)
• Work abroad for 3 years or more.
• Buy a small house that will fit a family of 4 people.
• Save some money for a small business.
• Go home and decide who will find a stable job and who is going to manage the small business. (If we would a have a business, one of us should still have a stable job.)
• Find job or manage the business?
• Have our first baby at the age of 30? (A second one can be talked through.)
• Live happily ever after. :)

This actually has been on my mind and up to this point, I want to take these seriously into consideration. I haven't told anybody about this. Even the person that I want to be with, the person that I want to do this plans with. I don't want to be like a control freak because I know he might have plans of his own and this will look like I dragged him into this. It's just that it's relieving sometimes that you know what you want to happen with your life and it would be nice if the other half agrees on it completely.

Hope things work out. Anxious. :)

Just happy :))

After two weeks of not seeing each other on Yahoo Messenger, we chatted for about an hour tonight. I missed him. I miss seeing his silly antics. I miss looking at his face while he laughs. And for the most part of it, I really want to go home. I envy the people around him because they get to be with him. Why do I always end up missing him more right after I talk to him on the phone? Damn it. We just got out of a bad fight. I didn't talk to him for 2 days. He may be thinking that it was all because of his trip to Dumaguete, but it wasn't all about that. 30 percent of it because I was worried about him, yes, I have told him a million times, I need to know what he is doing, where exactly he is at, and what he was planning to do next from time to time because I tend to worry about him too much. You could almost say that my mobile phone is the one that I am in a relationship with because I couldn't  live without it. It's the only thing that I have so I can get to him. And yet, it just is too hard for him to give me what I want. The other 70 percent was because I was betrayed by my alter ego again. She kept telling me that I should be fair to him because if I continue to choose to not let him go, I would just pull him down with me and my miserable life. It dawned on me. I am stuck here. I'll be like this for the rest of my life. He has a lot of good things ahead of him and I'll just put a stop to it all if I would be in his life. I cried and cried and cried. I thought it was unfair. I have found him and yet I felt that he didn't deserve somebody like me. I told him this earlier today. I even asked him to just break up with me and end all this. He then said, "I'll be with you all the way through. I love you so much. I don't want to loose you." That made me happy and relieved. He told me that he is willing to go through anything as long as he has me in his life. I called him earlier. He was telling me about SFC (Singles For Christ). How happy he was with using his talent to serve God. He suggested that I should try joining. He then explained further. He told me, God gives us a lot of blessings everyday and we shouldn't just say that "Yeah, he'll just be there, I don't need to do anything, and if I need to ask for help, then I'll just pray." He said that it wasn't like that for him because we should thank God for everything through serving him in our own little way. I couldn't agree with him more. He was right and I respect and will support him in everything that he does as long as it makes him happy. And speaking of happy, there are three things that made me most happy today: 1 He told me that he was happy that we weren't having a fight at all (it's been days since we had one); 2 We did something out of the ordinary (this was the first time we ever did something like it); 3 He told me that out of all the blessings that God has given me, the one that I should be thankful for the most is him, coming into my life (he sure is a blessing, and I'm very thankful that he loves me like no other). Just happy :))

Clingy

I woke up trying to get in touch with someone who doesn't even care. Nobody answered. I wasn't able to sustain it. It was a meltdown. I've been trying to accept and understand the fact that I don't hold anybody else's life but for my own. I tried. But has anybody even tried to understand how it feels like for me to do this? Nobody cared so why the heck do I? I have spoken to my best friend. She was the only one that I could run to. She was still there. Always has been there for me. Hoping to be okay tomorrow. Even if I know that I won't.

Midlife Crisis

As a major evolutionary stage in middle adulthood, the midlife crisis corresponds to a change, a transition, or an existential turning point that is not necessarily pathological and takes place somewhere between the ages of thirty-five and fifty.

Am I somewhere between 35 and 50? I don't think so. But how could I explain what is happening to me now?

Before, when I was younger, I used to dream of having the life which for me, is good enough. A life, with not a lot of money but just enough; A life with someone who will love me for the rest of my life, have a house of our own, a family, and jobs that will pay for everything; And a life that's simple but happy. 

Things didn't go as I wanted them to be. My father got sick and eventually passed away which led me to work abroad to support my family. I was the eldest, that was expected of me. I wasn't selfish and I sacrificed my own happiness for the benefit of others.

I am in debt and I still don't know how to pay for everything that I owe. I work as hard as I could but still it isn't enough. I want to save money for myself but I end up giving everything.

I clean bathrooms for a living, and now I think that I will for the rest of my living years. So much for having a family of my own. 

I have been searching for that person that will love me and accept me in spite of everything that I have been through. I've been searching and waiting for God knows how long, I always ended up with nothing. And now, I found him. He is perfect. But how come I always think and feel that I don't deserve him?

Somebody once told me, that one shouldn't give up even if one have been through a lot of frustrations because someday, God will give you twice as much of everything that you have desired. I am now feeling that somehow but I feel like I don't deserve it.

I have now decided that I will just let him go because he has a great deal of good things ahead of him and I will just be someone who will not let that happen if I choose to continue being with him. I'll ruin everything for him because he'll be stuck with a no-good-for-anything like me.

This really hurts. This feels so unfair. But this is for his own good. I know he won't forgive me but I know that someday he will realize that he deserves someone much better.

I love you so much. I really do. I hope for only the best for you. I am really sorry. Goodbye Teejay Espeña.

The not so distant past (Part I)

Tj and I

I went to the Philippines last month. I spent half of my days with my hubby and with some friends. Though it was really time for me to mourn for my father, I tried not to because I know that my father won't be happy if I will be sad all the time.  We were mostly at Welcome Rotonda but sometimes he visits me at home. We drank coffee, hung out, and laughed. Now I'm thinking, what happened (going home) was partly a good thing. A good thing because we started out a bit too late the first time I went back home. So that didn't give us a lot of time to spend with each other. I feel much better now because if I didn't go home and had the chance to be with him for almost a month, that would make possibilities greater. He could just wake up one day asking himself why he's patiently doing what he does for me. He could realize that he should probably settle for someone who can be there for him all the time. At least now, I have shown him how much I care for him and I made him feel that I love him.

     We went to a resort in Antipolo.   (Bosay Resort) for his brother's birthday.

It was a lot of fun.

Adam, Coi, Dominic, Tj, and Oscar

Coi, My brother, and Tj

Me and him (somewhere near the pool)

Coi, Jesmer, Marvin, Wilson, and Domz

Then we were drunk most of the time.
Drank at a Sari-sari store just outside
the gate of their house.
I met new friends. Friends who were fun to
be with.

Gracie with her boyfriend Coi.

Me, Grace, and Domz

Marvin adn Domz (newest love team)

This is a picture of him the day after he and his brother had a fight while we were having a drinking spree. Nice one huh?

Domz and Tj in a car we were supposed to ride on going to Ligaya.
Not so happy about the flood that we just went through.

My snoring hubby.. Drunk at Adrian and Pie's place.