2:32AM

So I am still up. 2:32am to be exact. I was supposed to start drafting my presentation for our Quarter 2 Business Review. I opened the blank keynote file, I opened the excel files that I needed, and I listened to songs that may help me calm down, but nothing. The blank keynote file is still blank. The excel files unedited, the songs made me yawn, my brain refuses to function for it was overwhelmed with all the data that I had to understand to create an outstanding report.
I have been a supervisor for a year and a month now. I can say that I have adjusted to the hype. Perks come with the title as expected. You get to handle people in hopes that they become just like you or better after you passed along all the things that you could teach them.
It has been a good few months for me but I have recently felt purposeless. I feel exhausted. I feel demotivated. I feel worthless. You may assume that I earn more than everybody else because of the position. Yes, but the truth is, I have reached the point where I am questioning myself as to why I choose to stay even if I know that I could get a job easily earning more and I would only be required to come in for work 5 times a week with 2 consecutive rest days. My brain tells me that this is not what I should settle for.
Madness, you might say. You might think that I am a fool for not being contented with what I have achieved in my life. To be recognized as a person who can lead. I truly am thankful that I get to do this but sometimes I feel that I am wasting my time. WHY? One word to explain my sentiments : MANIPULATION.
I shall continue to be a leader to the people who depend on me because my heart tells me so but I will also continue to dream of being in a better place other than the rotting place I am in now.

Autistic

Being relentlessly above all other expectations that a self-made person could implicate in her own self could really be exhausting. The feeling of wanting to reach the zenith of everything from your own point of view is not really that hard to achieve if you have all the will and the strength to do so. Yet it is exhausting due to the fact that you batter yourself up so you even are close to feeling like an achiever. I am one of these kinds. I came from a Kin of people who blows things out of proportion.

 Along the journey to a full lived life, you meet all sorts of people. Ones that you consider below you so you treat them like slaves; Ones that you consider mediators so you listen to them but you still do things your way; And ones that you consider your equal so you compete with them or do better than them because you feel threatened.  No one is ever above you. In your own little world, no one can surpass all there is that you think you know because to you, you have been through almost everything, and no one can compare to all the pain and the suffering that you endured. That makes you think that you know it all.

Sadly, these complexities lead to over thinking. When you have opinions, you expect everybody to think that everything that comes out of your mouth is right. You can’t be wrong because you are fixated with the idea that you know everything. What you say should be done otherwise you will feel unimportant and left out.

Disregarding other people’s emotions is not a big deal for you because you think that you are more hurt than they are.

You make big plans ahead of time because that is one of the features that you possess and when someone disagrees with everything that you come up with, you walk away or sometimes run and you would want someone to run after you when you do so. If this doesn’t happen, you would again feel all the hurt that you have been through from the day that you knew that pain existed up to the pain that you currently are suffering from.

Every day is a struggle for you. Every day, your heart is susceptible to perforation. It is expected of the people around you to make you happy and to understand you regardless if you are wrong or just over reacting. Every day, somebody needs to remind you how much you are loved and cared for.

You are special.

 You are autistic.

This is not a choice that you have made.

 This is just a condition that you have no control over.

Choices

Choices. Why don't I get mine? I couldn't tell you how it started exactly but I could tell you when I started to feel that I wasn't entitled to any choices. When my dad was still alive, he was our own personal Nazi. He dictated everything about our lives. From the time we would wake up, the food that we should eat, the clothes we should be wearing and personally, he told me what music to listen to, what course I should take and what school to study at when I was in college. I used  to want to be free-spirited but he killed most parts of my soul just because he was my father. I didn't regret that I didn't get to choose who my father should be because I understood what he intended for me in the end. Every effort to make things better, shiny and new was too late because the damages have been done which of course made me the person that I am now. This always make me think (when I see a baby), "how did we come from being a tiny baby, being cared for, all the attention is on us, and undamaged to the people that we are now?" That always makes me wonder how unfortunate things in life take out a big part of our soul. If you feel like all that's unfair in life gets dumped on you, you would be dark and twisty. That's what I've become. That again wasn't my choice. I guess it's just normal to feel grudged up about everything when you get a moment to look at your messed up life and somebody else's perfect one. Then I felt helpless and out of choices when we started to get the downside of being a family. We used to live in a small shack, do the best we can to pay the month's rent, ask a lady at the market if we could get a kilo of rice and pay for it the next day just so everybody can go through the day with a little food on our stomach. Then my dad just gave up on being the father of our family and just gave in to everything that he lost. He indirectly passed the responsibility on to me without even considering if I was ready. This made me feel like I was left with choices yet again. But since I was a good daughter, I did the best that I could. Then he started to get sick, then terminally ill, I had to provide for his medication, his operation, his hospital visits, my two brothers school bills, our family's immediate needs, etc, etc. No choices but never complained and regretted for one bit. I was happy doing these things because it was a good feeling, being there and able to help my family but for the most part of it, I was unhappy, especially the part where I get to be here in Saudi Arabia to work and not get the chance to go home just because I was tired and because I want to live my own life for once. I still don't get to choose until now. I hope to be able to feel to choose someday.
---So, I have been awake for 12 hours. I packed my stuff just so they're ready when I leave and just because it made me feel good to pretend that I get to leave. I had an emotional meltdown on the phone while I was confiding with Tj. I am betrothed to him and it's expected of him to understand everything about me. He is my Clyde. He just is. I tried very hard to tell him everything that I felt. I'm not good in talking to people about my feelings (which explains this blog) but I tried and I think I got it all out of my system. He was patient and he actually listened. He gave me advises, he gave me options as to however to move on, he named things for me to do differently, and he told me to hold on for a bit more. He told me all the possible things to make me feel better. It was nice to hear that somebody was on my side and that somebody really understands me because almost all the people that I expect to just couldn't. I'm calm now. I don't know if I'll be tomorrow.

A beautiful day to quit

I didn't go to the Mid-Year Assembly. I quit. I broke up with my fiancée. I quit. I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I quit. I don't want to be a member of the upcoming Christian Life Program for Singles For Christ. I quit. I didn't eat that much today. I quit. I didn't want to get out of bed. I quit. I can't feel anything. I quit. I can't cry. I quit. I don't want to make plans anymore. I quit. I don't want to understand. I quit. I don't want to believe in promises anymore. I quit. I don't want to dream anymore. I quit. I don't want to believe in love and in destiny. I quit. I don't want to get married and have kids anymore. I quit. I don't want to be here. I quit. I don't want to be responsible for other people anymore. I quit. I don't want to talk. I quit. I want to be silent. I quit. I want to pack my suitcase. I quit. I want to run away from everybody. I quit. I don't want to see people. I quit. I don't want to hear stories about other people's perfect little lives. I quit. I don't want to see happy photos. I quit. I want to be alone. I quit. I want everybody to leave me alone. I quit.

Wanted : Sponge

I was wondering, can I have someone in my life who'll serve as a sponge? 


Someone who'll listen to my endless ranting about how my life sucks, how the only person who makes me happy takes me for granted and how frustrated I am with the world.


I am pathetic. I'm alone. And I am in deep dismay.


It would be nice to have someone who you can just call, talk to, and make you smile. Someone who'll always be beside you, and who'll let you have their shoulder to cry on since the person you want to do these things for you just isn't around physically, mentally, and emotionally.


I just need a hug right now. A hug that will last for an hour or more. :'(

On the downside of it..

There's a holiday coming up that falls on a Thursday - Saudi National Day (Unification of the Kingdom or Al-Yaom Al-Watany). Everybody's having a long weekend except for myself. Being a housemaid and a Pres-school assistant at the same time, stressed and exhausted, I'm not up for it (working). I've been restless and my back hurts. Unfair, isn't it? Work, work, work. Shouldn't I be given an award for this? I've been told that I don't have the right to complain because I just arrived from the Philippines. They said that I've had loads of time resting. (As if I really had a decent one). I guess I just have to. I don't have a choice, Do I?

Same shit. Different day.

Everybody (the people inside my morbid mind) thinks I'm crazy.  Nobody but me understands this. I have to work but I don't want to. I try to smile, nonchalant about it. I'm tired of the same things that happen everyday but I still wake up, dragging myself out of my bed to go out and make myself useful.