The screaming poet inside me : Retrieved poems Part I

sisay ka?

sisay ka?
nata wara kang kaiba?
haen ang tigpagmamalaki mong
nagpapadaba saimo?
nata wara?
nata wara kang kaiba?,,

nata dumugon ang bado mo?
nata wara kang kaiba?
nagpara-ibi ka?
haen na ang
tigpagmamalaki mong mapahid
sa mga luha mo?
nata wara?
nata wara kang kaiba?,,

makaherak ka man
wara kang kaiba
tumindog ka na diyan
mag-iba ka sako
papadabaon ta ika
papahidon ko ang mga luha mo
kuhaon mo ang kamot ko
pwede mo ako makaiba,,

-tERe-

why stay on earth? you have heaven waiting, right?

loneliness only seen by the blind
felt but then left behind
i caged my heart
it is now surrounded by knives
it will cut you real deep
if you tried to bring harm,,

i am invinsible
an angel forbidden to feel love
i will only feel happiness from now on
God told me it was enough
wasting time
teardrops are for those 
who are weak
smiles for those
whom eternity seeks,,

i have wings now
i will soon fly high
you will look up at me
and finally
you would ask yourself why,,

-tERe-
07/20/06

masochist

an hour glass

with the sands of my time 
is slowly drifting away
leaving bitter memories behind,,

i cradled to a pillow beside
i could not cry

i cant understand why
am i overwhelmed
with anger bursting inside?
love is slowly killing me
will i soon bid goodbye?,,

i lighted a cigarette
i intensely satisfied
disturbing thoughts
were filling up my mind
torment, torture, torrent
i cant bare this pain inside
time is running out
will God give me one final shot?,,

-tERe-
07/09/06

senses

can you feel the pain

of my crying soul?

can you fix my broken heart

and make it whole?

will you hold me tight?

i feel so cold

will you build dreams

and sleep with me

through each night

until we grow old?,,

hear my silent sighs

and see through me

beneath crying smiles

see the flowing tears

behind my journeys

with bitter suicides

touch my mournful hands

that held on to chains

of a cage with only

a candles light,,

save me

i will soon die

in this bed of thorns,,

-tERe-

06/06/06

be with me tonight

be with me tonight

tell me it is all right

dancing under the moonlight

whispering sweet thoughts

to make me realize

how wonderful life is

if only i opened my eyes

to what was in your sight,,

be with me tonight

tell me it is all right

free me from

this hallow disguise

reveal to me

the true meaning of

love and life,,

be with me tonight

tell me it is all right

hold my hands tight

take me to a place

where hope resides

find the key that dwells

in the core of my mind

help me ease this pain

and let the burden subside,,

-tERe-

06/04/06

it's been so long

it's been so long

since i've been sitting here

with the defeaning silence

only dreaming of my

uneachable utopia

my sparks of hope

vanished with the wicked

summer breeze

this pain is so hard to ease,,

blankets of comfort

scattered around me

but i refused to hold one

so dearly,,

i am scared

i lost all hopes

isn't it so unfair?

i'm tied up

with all these ropes,,

-tERe-

06/01/06

long waits, long nights

i am the keeper of my grief

holding on to my relief

cigarettes burning

one by one

while sitting next to

my shattered dreams,,

blinded by the evening light

i kept waiting for someone

to sing to me to sleep

and kiss me goodnight,,

you were too hard to reach

i sat still

i kept waiting for the moment

to disappear with the smoke

i just satisfied

it has always been like this

long waits, long nights,,

-tERe-

05/31/06

enough

alone in my deserted corner

trying to deal with my desperation

i feel chills in my spine

i can't stand to fly,,

i tried to close my eyes

to disover a way out

of the maze in my mind

with never-ending paths,,

i feel helpless

spinning around in circles

i feel sober

i think i had enough

enough of this cruel world

enough of my fatal destiny

enough of you and me

enough of asking

how is it going to be?

-tERe-

05/28/06

to you my "daba", whom I once loved so true, goodbye

a lifeless stone

in the middle of love and hate

is what i am

from the moment i failed

i failed because of dreams

that were never made true

i failed because i lost you,,

would it be fair

if i curse you?

or would i just

sit here and wait for you?

inch by inch

day by day

this thorn of pain

digs deeper and deeper

into the midst of my soul,,

reasons, lies, time

would not matter

just come back to me

with the promises you made

and your smile

that changed my whole world

from the moment you came

until this day that you left me

all alone,,

-tERe-

friend or foe?

amidst my battle between love and war

i found a cradle in you

you held my body and soul

you wiped the shedding blood

that the stabs of pain caused,,

are you real,

or are you another curse?

i wept and held you tight

waited for my wounds to heal

and as i opened my eyes

i was blinded by the reflection

of a mirror's light,,

you seemed sincere

am i being fooled

of what was in sight?

you, holding a knife

ready to stab me again

and make me suffer

the pain of fear

to end my weary night,,

-tERe-

05/28/06

bitter surrender

beneath the pool of my desirable thoughts

i lay naked as fought

with the anger and misery

that my love for you brought,,

i struggled

i tried to breathe

but i am tangled with confusion and fear

will i still try,

or will i just let myself drown?

will you be there to save me,

or will you just smile as you watch me

vanish and finally sink,,

as i close my eyes

the memories of you and me

appeared in the back of my mind

then i smiled as i prayed for your happiness

it is time to let go now

it was never meant to be,,

-tERe-

05/26/06

free sober mind

laugh like a child

think freely without understanding why

be inside the world of playful minds

make decisions without worrying

for what wil be left behind

dream to touch the stars

above so high

wouldn't that be easier

than to snap back to a reality

full of shattered dreams

and words undefined

how i wish to be in the utopia

of being like a child

free from worries

free  rfom heartaches and pain

sleeping to dream of unicorns

and waking to another day only to play

and again,

smiling as a blanket of comfort

covers a fragile soul

from then on awaits

a disturbing world

that will soon unfold,,

-tERe-

07/12/06

Wanted : Sponge

I was wondering, can I have someone in my life who'll serve as a sponge? 


Someone who'll listen to my endless ranting about how my life sucks, how the only person who makes me happy takes me for granted and how frustrated I am with the world.


I am pathetic. I'm alone. And I am in deep dismay.


It would be nice to have someone who you can just call, talk to, and make you smile. Someone who'll always be beside you, and who'll let you have their shoulder to cry on since the person you want to do these things for you just isn't around physically, mentally, and emotionally.


I just need a hug right now. A hug that will last for an hour or more. :'(

I love you but I don't have to like you right now

Here's one thing that you can mock about:


You just lost your girlfriend and I hope you are happy about it.


There are things that you want to do but you just can't. For example: I wanted to be a good girlfriend. I tried. I kept trying. But he just pushes me to the opposite direction.


I might be an odd person. I might not be easy to get along with because I may be different from others because I know what I want and I tell people how I want things to be.


From the start, I wanted simple things from him and I specifically reiterated that he complies. But during the almost 7 months that we have had this relationship, he just doesn't get it. These are just simple things that I want for God's sake. How can this be too hard?


Since we're far from each other, a long distance relationship, I just wanted text messages from time to time to know where he is, what and how he's doing, and I just wanted time.


Oftentimes he complies but most of the time, he keeps forgetting. And so, that just gives me the impression that sometimes he doesn't care. 


I work all day, I try to make sure that he knows I'm okay. I call him the minute I get home because I miss him so much all the time. I just want him to appreciate all this.


I know, yeah, I know, he's got a mind of his own, he has his own things to do and his world just can't rotate around me. Admittedly, I find this hard to accept. I love him too much. I might even be crazy about him.


I was actually practicing : "being good" for a week now. But still we had a fight tonight. I kept calm. I waited to be calm before I called him. But then I just got mocked about. I told him to stop. I wondered what was wrong with him. He just made me so mad. He made me do this. I called the relationship off.


This might be good. So much for my grand plan. Now I can just think of myself. Maybe I have always been alone. I am meant to be alone.


This should be hard and I don't want my love for him to be swallowed by all of the hatred that i feel for him right now.


I'm sorry this happened. I'm sorry I'm not good at this. And I'm sorry that you think that it is always my fault.


I love you. God knows how much I do but "I'm done. And I quit."

An hour at the park

Yesterday was not bad. It was a happy day for me actually because I will get to have 7 days off. I'm quite excited about it. It's the yearly time for "Hajj" which is the pilgrimage to Mecca, Saudi Arabia, one of the five basic requirements (arkan or "pillars") of Islam. Its annual observance corresponds to the major holy day id al-adha, itself a commemoration of Abraham's readiness to sacrifice his son on Divine orders. While the hajj is a religious obligation to be fulfilled at least once in the course of the life of each Muslim, religious law grants many exclusions on grounds of hardship. 


My boss and her family are going on a cruise for a week because it's a holiday for non-Muslims and I get to sit and relax the whole time. My other boss at the preschool also gave me the time off because she is a Muslim. 


Maybe I really need this break.


My morning wasn't tiring at all because it is laundry day and my boss went to Khobar to buy stuff.


She and her friend went together and they left me Jordan and Jet (their kids).
And so, I just swept up a bit, put a load on the washer and asked them what they wanted to do.


They wanted to watch movies and just goof around but I suggested that we all go outside and to the park. We actually went to four parks that day. We just walked to get to each park. I can see them exhausted during the walking part but on full blast when we get to each one. It's always fun for me to be around kids and to watch them enjoying and happy. Though admittedly sometimes I just don't like them stubborn.


Here are some photos of that "park getaway":

Jordan, Me, and Jet

The kiddos are not up for another photo :))

Jordi and Jet

Havin fun?

Lacking spontaneity

organized - methodical and efficient in arrangement or function
orderly - marked by or adhering to method or system
methodical - characterized by ordered and systematic habits or behavior


These are some words that I can best describe myself. I somehow fear that I am obsessive - compulsive sometimes, but that's just way beyond how I am as a person. I like keeping things in order, I want to plan things out and it would be great if it's ahead of time. It just ruins my day if what's on the day's agenda goes wrong or would have some delays. I've been like this since I was in Elementary. It has gotten worst when I was in High School. I had control of it when I was in College. And now, I already know what I'm doing. Being this way was great for me. And I can say that I am not spontaneous. Nevertheless, I love it, my boss loves it, and I hope the person who I will spend the rest of my life with would learn to love it.  


Everything in my life has been planned out and some alterations could be acceptable if I really want it done.


How's this for a plan?

• Work here for another year and a half to pay off debts and to save some money. (Money for local job applications.)
• Go home and stay for good for 2 years. (Work and get to know "the boyfriend" well.)
• Find a job and keep it for 2 years. (Save money for job applications abroad.)
• Get married at the age of 28? But won't have kids yet. (Hmmm...)
• Apply for a job abroad with hubby. (On a cruise ship or somewhere else?)
• Work abroad for 3 years or more.
• Buy a small house that will fit a family of 4 people.
• Save some money for a small business.
• Go home and decide who will find a stable job and who is going to manage the small business. (If we would a have a business, one of us should still have a stable job.)
• Find job or manage the business?
• Have our first baby at the age of 30? (A second one can be talked through.)
• Live happily ever after. :)

This actually has been on my mind and up to this point, I want to take these seriously into consideration. I haven't told anybody about this. Even the person that I want to be with, the person that I want to do this plans with. I don't want to be like a control freak because I know he might have plans of his own and this will look like I dragged him into this. It's just that it's relieving sometimes that you know what you want to happen with your life and it would be nice if the other half agrees on it completely.

Hope things work out. Anxious. :)

Hmmmmm

Had a wonderful day today though it started shaky. I was awaken, annoyed (slamming/banging everything that she held hands on) by someone who I live with and considering the fact that I just woke up, I was at my wits end.  I shouted and slammed things in return. I eventually said sorry and have as well accepted her apology because I hate to hate to go home  just because I don't want to see someone I'm angry with .

Why was my day wonderful anyway? Yeah. It was a wonderful day because I didn't feel tired at all. Saturday usually is a very tiring day because it's the first day of a week at work. Not this Saturday though. It was an okay day for me.

Not tiring at all at Jen's, same-same (the term people in Saudi Arabia say when they mean "the same") at preschool, and a cool weather. The climate's changing and soon it will be colder. It was 16 degrees earlier this morning. I had to wear a jacket on.

We went to Ramahniyah to eat at Jollibee, all because of a stupid joke and the endless persuasion ang guilt trip we put on Paul on the way home.

When I got home, I called my hubby as per usual. That's just my way of releasing any stress and just because he takes all the bad vibes away from my body.  I love talking to him after work. I miss him so much during working hours and won't have a good night sleep if I miss a day without hearing his voice.

But just as we were talking, he mentioned something about him going away to work as a seaman. That means when i go home for good, I still won't be with him. We'll still be far from each other. I don't know if he asked me what I thought about it, all I know is I said "NO". That's unfair I know. Even if he said that he won't go because he really didn't want to. It still feels unfair to me in many ways.

Hope to have more serious talks with him. Hmmm.. :(

Lazy

I love doing this. Just lying down, not moving a single muscle at all. Once in a while, people deserve to be couch potatoes and I am damn well entitled to be one on a day off from work. I watched "How to lose a guy in 10 days" - chick flick, "Splice" - sci-fi, and "Prince of Persia" - adventure, without breaks of some sort. I literally didn't move from where I was. Glad nobody asked me if something was wrong with me. Visiting Facebook and my site is what I could call a short break. Tj was off to bed. He said he was already sleepy, surprisingly. I called him to say good night and just because talking to him, long or short, completes my day. Thought we would have more time on Yahoo Messenger but since he was just about snoring when I hung the phone up, I will have more time to be a couch potato and watch two more movies until it's time to go to bed. Everything's fine. Just chillin'. :)

Just happy :))

After two weeks of not seeing each other on Yahoo Messenger, we chatted for about an hour tonight. I missed him. I miss seeing his silly antics. I miss looking at his face while he laughs. And for the most part of it, I really want to go home. I envy the people around him because they get to be with him. Why do I always end up missing him more right after I talk to him on the phone? Damn it. We just got out of a bad fight. I didn't talk to him for 2 days. He may be thinking that it was all because of his trip to Dumaguete, but it wasn't all about that. 30 percent of it because I was worried about him, yes, I have told him a million times, I need to know what he is doing, where exactly he is at, and what he was planning to do next from time to time because I tend to worry about him too much. You could almost say that my mobile phone is the one that I am in a relationship with because I couldn't  live without it. It's the only thing that I have so I can get to him. And yet, it just is too hard for him to give me what I want. The other 70 percent was because I was betrayed by my alter ego again. She kept telling me that I should be fair to him because if I continue to choose to not let him go, I would just pull him down with me and my miserable life. It dawned on me. I am stuck here. I'll be like this for the rest of my life. He has a lot of good things ahead of him and I'll just put a stop to it all if I would be in his life. I cried and cried and cried. I thought it was unfair. I have found him and yet I felt that he didn't deserve somebody like me. I told him this earlier today. I even asked him to just break up with me and end all this. He then said, "I'll be with you all the way through. I love you so much. I don't want to loose you." That made me happy and relieved. He told me that he is willing to go through anything as long as he has me in his life. I called him earlier. He was telling me about SFC (Singles For Christ). How happy he was with using his talent to serve God. He suggested that I should try joining. He then explained further. He told me, God gives us a lot of blessings everyday and we shouldn't just say that "Yeah, he'll just be there, I don't need to do anything, and if I need to ask for help, then I'll just pray." He said that it wasn't like that for him because we should thank God for everything through serving him in our own little way. I couldn't agree with him more. He was right and I respect and will support him in everything that he does as long as it makes him happy. And speaking of happy, there are three things that made me most happy today: 1 He told me that he was happy that we weren't having a fight at all (it's been days since we had one); 2 We did something out of the ordinary (this was the first time we ever did something like it); 3 He told me that out of all the blessings that God has given me, the one that I should be thankful for the most is him, coming into my life (he sure is a blessing, and I'm very thankful that he loves me like no other). Just happy :))

Gecko in the house

I worked for Anne today. 1pm-4pm. When I came in, she was telling me that there is a Gecko somewhere in her house and that she has been trying to look for it for an hour. So then I started cleaning and when I came down, she just wasn't over the Gecko thing at all. She wanted everything moved, she wanted to see that the Gecko actually went out of her door so she would be at peace. She saw poop all over the place, on the curtains and window sills. I looked closely and wondered if those kinds of poop were from something else, then I asked her a very silly question: "Do all animal/insect poops look the same?" She looked at me and said "What do you mean?" I then said that I recognize those kinds of poop from something else and suggested that it could be from rats. You should have seen the look on her face. She was in terror. She then told me that if I didn't see her next Thursday, that could only mean one thing: rats in the house.

Clingy

I woke up trying to get in touch with someone who doesn't even care. Nobody answered. I wasn't able to sustain it. It was a meltdown. I've been trying to accept and understand the fact that I don't hold anybody else's life but for my own. I tried. But has anybody even tried to understand how it feels like for me to do this? Nobody cared so why the heck do I? I have spoken to my best friend. She was the only one that I could run to. She was still there. Always has been there for me. Hoping to be okay tomorrow. Even if I know that I won't.