Autistic

Being relentlessly above all other expectations that a self-made person could implicate in her own self could really be exhausting. The feeling of wanting to reach the zenith of everything from your own point of view is not really that hard to achieve if you have all the will and the strength to do so. Yet it is exhausting due to the fact that you batter yourself up so you even are close to feeling like an achiever. I am one of these kinds. I came from a Kin of people who blows things out of proportion.

 Along the journey to a full lived life, you meet all sorts of people. Ones that you consider below you so you treat them like slaves; Ones that you consider mediators so you listen to them but you still do things your way; And ones that you consider your equal so you compete with them or do better than them because you feel threatened.  No one is ever above you. In your own little world, no one can surpass all there is that you think you know because to you, you have been through almost everything, and no one can compare to all the pain and the suffering that you endured. That makes you think that you know it all.

Sadly, these complexities lead to over thinking. When you have opinions, you expect everybody to think that everything that comes out of your mouth is right. You can’t be wrong because you are fixated with the idea that you know everything. What you say should be done otherwise you will feel unimportant and left out.

Disregarding other people’s emotions is not a big deal for you because you think that you are more hurt than they are.

You make big plans ahead of time because that is one of the features that you possess and when someone disagrees with everything that you come up with, you walk away or sometimes run and you would want someone to run after you when you do so. If this doesn’t happen, you would again feel all the hurt that you have been through from the day that you knew that pain existed up to the pain that you currently are suffering from.

Every day is a struggle for you. Every day, your heart is susceptible to perforation. It is expected of the people around you to make you happy and to understand you regardless if you are wrong or just over reacting. Every day, somebody needs to remind you how much you are loved and cared for.

You are special.

 You are autistic.

This is not a choice that you have made.

 This is just a condition that you have no control over.

Blogging emotions

It’s yet another day of my struggle with my alter ego. How far insane is thinking that “talking to yourself” is normal? That’s where I’m at now (I feel like Gollum and Sméagol – The Lord of the rings). My level of insanity I suppose.

 I had plans. I’m a planner. I like planning things. I like them to happen according to a specific plot. Now it turns out that all that I’ve planned turned out to be crap. Drafts of all sorts, they were. I never reached a final manuscript.

I stress about how to get out of here. I’ve planned for the day of my freedom to come. It was a good plan but now I’ve had two more plans which were crappy but okay. They all went straight to the garbage bin. Now I have a new plan. And I was hoping that Tj would be in it with me. Together. The two of us. I was expecting him to tell me that he will be wherever I will be but apparently, I feel like he keeps on changing his mind. It’s as if he lost all of his interest in being with me. He appears to be un-excited. Maybe I’m wrong. I always think of him this way because I feel like he’s been different lately. I miss the Tj that I knew before. I miss the Tj that always reminded me that I was that one person in the world that he waited for.

I know he has options. I shouldn’t be dragging him down to the misery that I am in. He deserves better than being with somebody like me. I’m nothing. I have become nothing. I used to want to be something. Someone who has accomplished a lot of things but that wasn’t my luck. I became this. A dark and twisty person who thinks differently, who is insecure and jealous all the time, and who believes in everything that her alter ego thinks is true. I don’t deserve to love anybody because I am unworthy and incapable of doing so.

I’ve been putting him through hell when I should be giving him heaven on earth because that is what he has given me.

Am I insane enough to drive the only person that all others couldn’t even slightly be like away? 

Hung over

I forced myself to seize the moment

But how can I bring myself to such an extent if

I only desire for each moment to become

Concrete evidences of the years to come

Which I so long to share with you?

My love for you has grown weak

Weaker and weaker each passing day

Poisoned by the whispers of possibilities of betrayal and

Imageries of illusions that have taken form in my tainted mind

And to what end?

My love for you soon to be shattered, wasted,

In the abyss of abstract delusions

For you lack the capability to ease my troubled mind

I yearn to be with you

I yearn to feel your warmth pressing against my trembling body

I yearn for your lips against mine

Binding us

I long to hear that you love me

For hearing so will make me believe that

Moments apart can be cherished

For they soon can be dreams that have come to pass which

Shall be chambered in our hearts

As we walk along the path of unveiling happiness

Together as one.

Yet another

He is the one, the one that I prayed for all my life. He loved me. He did. And I know that. I felt that. But still, I broke up with him. I let him go. I feel stupid right now. I feel like somebody is telling me that I am. But I feel more stupid when I feel really lonely and he doesn’t care. When I’m crying and he doesn’t have the right things to say. When I want to talk to him and he makes me feel that he wants to be somewhere else. When I want to talk about how much we love each other and all he can think of talking about is making love with me. When I have all these plans for our future and he just says yes as if he doesn’t care about it. And when I run away and he doesn’t come after me. He makes me happy. He is everything to me. I did almost everything. I even became a bad person. A person that according to him, isn’t good for him. I feel worthless. Why can’t I be his everything? Am I not worthy to be given everything? Am I not worthy to be chased after like any other girl?

He doesn’t understand me. He doesn’t know how to make me feel better.

I know that most of the time I am unbearable. And I know that loving for me sometimes is the same as owning. I can’t trust him because as immature as it may sound, he doesn’t assure me. I’m scared to lose him. That is why I need to be told as often as possible that I’m the only one that he loves and he will never leave me.

I feel like he has grown tired of us for quite some time now. I feel like he was just waiting for this day to come that I would break up with him. And I feel like he is praying that I won’t call him anymore. I feel like he is relieved and happy.

Why can’t you make me feel better? Do you not love me anymore?

As if dying

A massive heart attack, one that's fatal. That's what I felt today. From the time that I have waken until now that I'm about to be in a deep slumber. Heartaches they were. Though I have endured all sorts in the past, never have I gone through one of such kind. Maybe it is because it has been inflicted by the only person that I would trust my life with, a life that has been hanging by a thread for some time now. First he has shown no interest in other things to talk about but the sight of me naked in front of a highly advanced device designed to deliver images to other devices shortly after permitted to do so. This has been one of the many things that hurt me in the past because even if I offered my heart to all the different people that I hoped to love, they saw me for a different purpose, one that requires me naked in bed and giving them another kind pleasure. Second, he has been making me feel unattractive by merely saying that my lips we're stained by smoking too much and agreeing that I didn't get any of the beauty that my mother possesses and that I have but one that I share a commonality with her and that is my vagina. Third, it pains me to know that he has come to think of me, even for a slightest chance, that I could be the horrid person that everyone else has concluded about my whole being in spite of all the other reasons that caused me to be different. This made me feel not only unpleasing physically but also through the psyche that resides in me, the core of my being.
And so, I have been playing a part where I hide my true emotions from him because I knew deep in my heart that he did not mean a word that he uttered. It was not of his intention to hurt me. In fact, that would be the last thing that he would do to me for he loves me. Then again I faltered and finally given up. I chose not to talk to him anymore and insisted on it but he was persistent. More often than not, he makes me exhilarated with joy so when he asked for forgiveness, I willingly submitted. I cried a lot. I couldn't help it. They were just flowing as if a leakage that is uncontrollable. As expected, he truly did not mean to hurt me. We have spoken of words that made me feel so much better. I think I may have reacted this way because after many years of waiting, he has finally found me to stitch me up from the pains that caused me to be broken. All along I thought that he saw me differently, that I am special and unfamiliar with all others because he saw me as his bride someday. A wife that deserves some good things in life that she has long been deprived of having. I love him with all of my soul and like him, I too make mistakes and I have said things that hurt him which can be undone by saying and showing how deeply sorry I am.

Words

Absence and emptiness;
two simple words that brings a great weight
of irony and loneliness
which somehow I couldn't understand
waiting and acceptance;
two simple words which if you
come to really think of
can be very hard to do
freedom and happiness;
two simple words that I wasn't chosen to have
contentment;
a simple word that is vast
and that no one is chosen to be capable of doing
and held accountable for
words
these are only words
words which haunts me
words that I long to have
to embrace
wholeheartedly,,

You and I;
two simple words that keeps me grounded
and hinders my insanity
together and forever;
two simple words that lingers within me
and I hope to be waking up with
in a different reality
soon;
a simple word that is not within my reach
but I someday want to have
just so I can simply touch you,
simply feel you,
and simply hold you
for you are the only one I have,
the only one I choose to have
until after all the irony
and until after eternity

words

these are only words

words which haunts me

words that I long to have

to embrace

wholeheartedly,,

Celebrations

It's my best friend's birthday today. We fall off  once in a while because individual differences and now distance but still she is my best friend and we always are capable of stitching things back together. She will always be there for me. So will I. She asked me for flip flops as a birthday present. How funny is that? She is very dear. through all of the good and bad things that happened to me, she has always been there and we have been together with little expectations from each other so it is funny that she only asks for flip flops because that makes me know that we both haven't changed.

 I have been at the park for 5 hours and 30 minutes. I should have gone to my boss' house to do the graduation hats for the kids we are sending off to kindergarten but I chose to sit there. I got to read a bit about Hematology today. It was good to have my brain refreshed from all of that. I was amazed on how I could still spell out the meaning of EDTA (a blood anticoagulant) by merely looking at it once. Ethylenediamine tetraacetic acid! (Laughin' out loud). This goes to show that I haven't forgotten what I went to college for. When I got tired, it hit me that it will only be 3 months and 20 days to go 'til my escape to freedom. I renewed and re-planned my flight scheme and it looks fine. Hard to accomplish but fine. I hope to get stable jobs to accomplish the needs for my plan to freedom and if something goes well, it will suffice the support that I'll need for it. I am excited to get to choose for myself. And once I'm home I'll do everything that I can possibly do to move on.
I got to make a poem today as well which will be posted shortly after this one. Hope you'll like it because I did. :)

Choices

Choices. Why don't I get mine? I couldn't tell you how it started exactly but I could tell you when I started to feel that I wasn't entitled to any choices. When my dad was still alive, he was our own personal Nazi. He dictated everything about our lives. From the time we would wake up, the food that we should eat, the clothes we should be wearing and personally, he told me what music to listen to, what course I should take and what school to study at when I was in college. I used  to want to be free-spirited but he killed most parts of my soul just because he was my father. I didn't regret that I didn't get to choose who my father should be because I understood what he intended for me in the end. Every effort to make things better, shiny and new was too late because the damages have been done which of course made me the person that I am now. This always make me think (when I see a baby), "how did we come from being a tiny baby, being cared for, all the attention is on us, and undamaged to the people that we are now?" That always makes me wonder how unfortunate things in life take out a big part of our soul. If you feel like all that's unfair in life gets dumped on you, you would be dark and twisty. That's what I've become. That again wasn't my choice. I guess it's just normal to feel grudged up about everything when you get a moment to look at your messed up life and somebody else's perfect one. Then I felt helpless and out of choices when we started to get the downside of being a family. We used to live in a small shack, do the best we can to pay the month's rent, ask a lady at the market if we could get a kilo of rice and pay for it the next day just so everybody can go through the day with a little food on our stomach. Then my dad just gave up on being the father of our family and just gave in to everything that he lost. He indirectly passed the responsibility on to me without even considering if I was ready. This made me feel like I was left with choices yet again. But since I was a good daughter, I did the best that I could. Then he started to get sick, then terminally ill, I had to provide for his medication, his operation, his hospital visits, my two brothers school bills, our family's immediate needs, etc, etc. No choices but never complained and regretted for one bit. I was happy doing these things because it was a good feeling, being there and able to help my family but for the most part of it, I was unhappy, especially the part where I get to be here in Saudi Arabia to work and not get the chance to go home just because I was tired and because I want to live my own life for once. I still don't get to choose until now. I hope to be able to feel to choose someday.
---So, I have been awake for 12 hours. I packed my stuff just so they're ready when I leave and just because it made me feel good to pretend that I get to leave. I had an emotional meltdown on the phone while I was confiding with Tj. I am betrothed to him and it's expected of him to understand everything about me. He is my Clyde. He just is. I tried very hard to tell him everything that I felt. I'm not good in talking to people about my feelings (which explains this blog) but I tried and I think I got it all out of my system. He was patient and he actually listened. He gave me advises, he gave me options as to however to move on, he named things for me to do differently, and he told me to hold on for a bit more. He told me all the possible things to make me feel better. It was nice to hear that somebody was on my side and that somebody really understands me because almost all the people that I expect to just couldn't. I'm calm now. I don't know if I'll be tomorrow.

A beautiful day to quit

I didn't go to the Mid-Year Assembly. I quit. I broke up with my fiancée. I quit. I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I quit. I don't want to be a member of the upcoming Christian Life Program for Singles For Christ. I quit. I didn't eat that much today. I quit. I didn't want to get out of bed. I quit. I can't feel anything. I quit. I can't cry. I quit. I don't want to make plans anymore. I quit. I don't want to understand. I quit. I don't want to believe in promises anymore. I quit. I don't want to dream anymore. I quit. I don't want to believe in love and in destiny. I quit. I don't want to get married and have kids anymore. I quit. I don't want to be here. I quit. I don't want to be responsible for other people anymore. I quit. I don't want to talk. I quit. I want to be silent. I quit. I want to pack my suitcase. I quit. I want to run away from everybody. I quit. I don't want to see people. I quit. I don't want to hear stories about other people's perfect little lives. I quit. I don't want to see happy photos. I quit. I want to be alone. I quit. I want everybody to leave me alone. I quit.