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Saturday, September 25, 2010

The not so distant past (Part I)

Tj and I
I went to the Philippines last month. I spent half of my days with my hubby and with some friends. Though it was really time for me to mourn for my father, I tried not to because I know that my father won't be happy if I will be sad all the time.  We were mostly at Welcome Rotonda but sometimes he visits me at home. We drank coffee, hung out, and laughed. Now I'm thinking, what happened (going home) was partly a good thing. A good thing because we started out a bit too late the first time I went back home. So that didn't give us a lot of time to spend with each other. I feel much better now because if I didn't go home and had the chance to be with him for almost a month, that would make possibilities greater. He could just wake up one day asking himself why he's patiently doing what he does for me. He could realize that he should probably settle for someone who can be there for him all the time. At least now, I have shown him how much I care for him and I made him feel that I love him.


     We went to a resort in Antipolo.   (Bosay Resort) for his brother's birthday.

It was a lot of fun.




Adam, Coi, Dominic, Tj, and Oscar

Coi, My brother, and Tj














Me and him (somewhere near the pool)



Coi, Jesmer, Marvin, Wilson, and Domz
Then we were drunk most of the time.
Drank at a Sari-sari store just outside
the gate of their house.
I met new friends. Friends who were fun to
be with.
Gracie with her boyfriend Coi.
Me, Grace, and Domz
Marvin adn Domz (newest love team)
This is a picture of him the day after he and his brother had a fight while we were having a drinking spree. Nice one huh?
Domz and Tj in a car we were supposed to ride on going to Ligaya.
Not so happy about the flood that we just went through.





My snoring hubby.. Drunk at Adrian and Pie's place.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Wake, Cremation, and 40th day




My father's casket

The place where we had my dad cremated.



                                                                             
                                                              Crematorium



The cremation lasted for 2 hours and 10 minutes






My father's Urn

Mama with Papa



                              My sister and Papa


Me with Papa

My father's brothers on the 40th day of his death.



Photograph's taken on the 40th day of my dad's death





To the person that yielded the sperm that brought me to life.



Dad


My father had big bucks in his pockets before. He was the Distributor for Serg's (a chocolate company) in all of Leyte and Samar. He was hard working, he had the wit, and he had the strategies that made him a successful businessman. He started out as a houseboy at his boss' house (the owner of Serg's company) because his father died early so he had to work for him to pay for college tuition, he became the family driver at his boss' house, then a Salesman for quite some time, and then he became the Distributor for Leyte and Samar. He didn't finish college ( I didn't know why), but for years, he had been successful and he had us as his family. We lived for 7 years in Tacloban. There he had his glory days. He had a lot of rich friends. He had drunk a lot of alcohol with them, smoked a lot of cigarettes with them and he had lost a lot of money in gambling with them. That was three of his flaws. He drank like a camel and he would have a hundred thousand pesos lost in cockfights in one night. Quite awesome huh?
Sometimes when he was too drunk, he would hit my mother and sometimes when he looses in cockfights he would take it on us and eventually would hit my mother. He was like that and even his brothers who lived with us then was scared of him. I felt their frustrations and I felt that there would come a time that they would keep hurt feelings towards my father. He was such and awful man but in spite of everything I could still say that I didn't realize it until now that he was just being like that because he was just the way he was but he did everything that he could to help us out and didn't want us to feel and go through the same things that he did and that everything he did was for our good and benefit.
After years of having a luxurious life, his boss died. That was the biggest blow in his life. The company closed. He didn't have a job anymore. But since he had been a good employee and he was a loyal one, his boss left him with two things that he then used for his own business. It clicked for a while but then it flopped for reasons that I couldn't and wouldn't understand. We became poorer and poorer everyday. He was frustrated. He didn't know what to do because he didn't save money for flops like this. He didn't even invest in a house of our own. He didn't have other businesses. He just didn't have a second plan.,,
 
My father is my hero. That sounds overrated. Everybody says this. But it's true. He is my hero. He's been the reason why I am the person that I am today.
Like most fathers, my dad was strict, overprotective, has high expectations and was a pain in the neck while I was growing up. Everybody knew that I loathed him and that I did most of the stupid things that I did way back because I was rebelling against his power trips. He would hit me because of simple things, he would shout at me because I did something that wasn't good enough for him, he called me stupid, an idiot, and some other awful names, and he told me that I wouldn't graduate college because I would get myself pregnant early. I was a big disappointment for him and that's how he made me feel. I became more of a big disappointment to him when I didn't pass the Board exams for Medical Technologists after I graduated. I was ashamed of myself, I thought lowly of myself, I was basically in a state where I pitied myself so much and thought that he was right: I was an idiot and I truly am stupid. That's when I became really aware that I couldn't be close enough to being good for him. So then I rebelled more. Got into drinking more, smoked different drugs that I knew wasn't good for me, and I sought love (even begged once or twice) from every man that I got the chance to be with. People have told me that that was just normal: having a father like him. Some even told me that I should feel lucky that I have a father because some of them didn't have one while they were growing up. I didn't listen. I didn't care. But even if I acted as dumb as I could so he would hate me more (that's how I felt before), he said to me one day "Sweetheart, I remember my younger days in you. You are so much like me. I don't say this often but I love you." I didn't show weakness when I was in front of him. I just stood still and waited for him to be finished talking. The moment he was done, I went in my room and wept. I cried because the things he said went right through me. I felt loved by him.
 
As the eldest of all his offspring, I felt responsible for them. Even if I was pretending to be a big asshole, I cared for them and I would make sure that they get all the comforts in the world. So then I was motivated to work. I didn't pursue my Medical Technologist dream because I thought it was just a waste of time. I started to provide for them because of the sudden turn of events in my father's life. I felt like he had lost his will to live because he has lost everything that he had before. He was happy about what I'm doing and I felt like he was a bit proud of me. I provided good and should have stars put on my paper because I did well for a first timer. But I easily got bored, sick and tired of working. I switched from one company to another in a few months time. I wasn't happy. I wasn't contented. I was looking for something else.,,

I then had the opportunity to work abroad (thanks to my kind-hearted Aunt Olive). I thought this was something stable. This was the one I was looking for. I had plans and goals for my family's future. I was happy because I could finally give them a better life, a life out of poverty. 
I didn't see that unexpected turns of events has yet to unfold.,,



Prostate cancer is a form of cancer that 
develops in the prostate, a gland in the 
male reproductive system. This is a 
slow growing cancer. The cancer cells 
may metastasize (spread) from the 
prostate to other parts of the body, 
particularly the bones and lymph nodes. 
Prostate cancer may cause pain, 
difficulty in urinating, problems during 
sexual intercourse, or erectile 
dysfunction. Other symptoms can 
potentially develop during later stages 
of the disease.






Prostate Cancer Prognosis for Stage IV

Once the cancer has spread to the lymph nodes or other distant parts of the body, it is reclassified as Stage IV or metastatic prostate cancer. At this point in the disease, hormone therapy can be used to improve the symptoms for the patient and slow down the progress of the cancer for 2 or 3 years. If just the lymph nodes are involved, hormonal therapy can have even better success- possibly delaying the progress even further. Once the lymph nodes have been positively identified as cancerous, the majority of patients will remain at high risk of developing additional metastatic disease in the 10 years following the application of hormonal treatment. If bone metastases occur they may be less responsive to the hormonal therapy treatments. Radiation therapy, however, can be used to treat the often painful bone metastases common with stage IV prostate cancer.



Prostate Cancer Bone Metastasis





Primary cases of bone cancer are relatively rare. Patients who develop bone cancer are more likely to develop the disease as a result of advanced prostate cancer metastasis. In prostate cancer, extension leading to bone disease is designated by a clinical stage M1b. If a person develops bone disease as a result of prostate cancer, he does not now have bone cancer. Because the cancer is classified according to where it originated, he has prostate cancer with bone metastasis.









Symptoms of advanced prostate cancer bone metastasis may cause stiffness or frequent soreness in areas such as the lower back, hips, and thighs. Some patients will experience more severe pain than others. As the disease progresses, some prostate cancer patients begin chemotherapy or external radiation therapy to alleviate the pain associated with bone cancer.














My father was diagnosed with prostate cancer almost a year ago and we immediately had it operated. My father's prostate was completely removed and we had high hopes of him recovering from it. After a few months of recuperating, he underwent a bone scan which is a process that he needed to ensure that the cancer was completely gone. The doctor then said that the cancer has spread to his bones and his diagnosis was "Stage IV Prostate Cancer". He was given a year to live, they said that there was chemotherapy but they did not recommend it for him because according to them, my father's case was hopeless and that it would only weaken his body more. We sought for a second opinion.. then a third... a fourth.. but all of them had only one thing to say. Now, my father only takes Morphine as his daily medicine which serves as a pain reliever. Everything else was stopped.


These are recent photos of my father.. 
My heart is broken.. 
Really torn to pieces.. :"(