A massive heart attack, one that's fatal. That's what I felt today. From the time that I have waken until now that I'm about to be in a deep slumber. Heartaches they were. Though I have endured all sorts in the past, never have I gone through one of such kind. Maybe it is because it has been inflicted by the only person that I would trust my life with, a life that has been hanging by a thread for some time now. First he has shown no interest in other things to talk about but the sight of me naked in front of a highly advanced device designed to deliver images to other devices shortly after permitted to do so. This has been one of the many things that hurt me in the past because even if I offered my heart to all the different people that I hoped to love, they saw me for a different purpose, one that requires me naked in bed and giving them another kind pleasure. Second, he has been making me feel unattractive by merely saying that my lips we're stained by smoking too much and agreeing that I didn't get any of the beauty that my mother possesses and that I have but one that I share a commonality with her and that is my vagina. Third, it pains me to know that he has come to think of me, even for a slightest chance, that I could be the horrid person that everyone else has concluded about my whole being in spite of all the other reasons that caused me to be different. This made me feel not only unpleasing physically but also through the psyche that resides in me, the core of my being.
And so, I have been playing a part where I hide my true emotions from him because I knew deep in my heart that he did not mean a word that he uttered. It was not of his intention to hurt me. In fact, that would be the last thing that he would do to me for he loves me. Then again I faltered and finally given up. I chose not to talk to him anymore and insisted on it but he was persistent. More often than not, he makes me exhilarated with joy so when he asked for forgiveness, I willingly submitted. I cried a lot. I couldn't help it. They were just flowing as if a leakage that is uncontrollable. As expected, he truly did not mean to hurt me. We have spoken of words that made me feel so much better. I think I may have reacted this way because after many years of waiting, he has finally found me to stitch me up from the pains that caused me to be broken. All along I thought that he saw me differently, that I am special and unfamiliar with all others because he saw me as his bride someday. A wife that deserves some good things in life that she has long been deprived of having. I love him with all of my soul and like him, I too make mistakes and I have said things that hurt him which can be undone by saying and showing how deeply sorry I am.
