Words

Absence and emptiness;
two simple words that brings a great weight
of irony and loneliness
which somehow I couldn't understand
waiting and acceptance;
two simple words which if you
come to really think of
can be very hard to do
freedom and happiness;
two simple words that I wasn't chosen to have
contentment;
a simple word that is vast
and that no one is chosen to be capable of doing
and held accountable for
words
these are only words
words which haunts me
words that I long to have
to embrace
wholeheartedly,,

You and I;
two simple words that keeps me grounded
and hinders my insanity
together and forever;
two simple words that lingers within me
and I hope to be waking up with
in a different reality
soon;
a simple word that is not within my reach
but I someday want to have
just so I can simply touch you,
simply feel you,
and simply hold you
for you are the only one I have,
the only one I choose to have
until after all the irony
and until after eternity

words

these are only words

words which haunts me

words that I long to have

to embrace

wholeheartedly,,

Celebrations

It's my best friend's birthday today. We fall off  once in a while because individual differences and now distance but still she is my best friend and we always are capable of stitching things back together. She will always be there for me. So will I. She asked me for flip flops as a birthday present. How funny is that? She is very dear. through all of the good and bad things that happened to me, she has always been there and we have been together with little expectations from each other so it is funny that she only asks for flip flops because that makes me know that we both haven't changed.

 I have been at the park for 5 hours and 30 minutes. I should have gone to my boss' house to do the graduation hats for the kids we are sending off to kindergarten but I chose to sit there. I got to read a bit about Hematology today. It was good to have my brain refreshed from all of that. I was amazed on how I could still spell out the meaning of EDTA (a blood anticoagulant) by merely looking at it once. Ethylenediamine tetraacetic acid! (Laughin' out loud). This goes to show that I haven't forgotten what I went to college for. When I got tired, it hit me that it will only be 3 months and 20 days to go 'til my escape to freedom. I renewed and re-planned my flight scheme and it looks fine. Hard to accomplish but fine. I hope to get stable jobs to accomplish the needs for my plan to freedom and if something goes well, it will suffice the support that I'll need for it. I am excited to get to choose for myself. And once I'm home I'll do everything that I can possibly do to move on.
I got to make a poem today as well which will be posted shortly after this one. Hope you'll like it because I did. :)

Choices

Choices. Why don't I get mine? I couldn't tell you how it started exactly but I could tell you when I started to feel that I wasn't entitled to any choices. When my dad was still alive, he was our own personal Nazi. He dictated everything about our lives. From the time we would wake up, the food that we should eat, the clothes we should be wearing and personally, he told me what music to listen to, what course I should take and what school to study at when I was in college. I used  to want to be free-spirited but he killed most parts of my soul just because he was my father. I didn't regret that I didn't get to choose who my father should be because I understood what he intended for me in the end. Every effort to make things better, shiny and new was too late because the damages have been done which of course made me the person that I am now. This always make me think (when I see a baby), "how did we come from being a tiny baby, being cared for, all the attention is on us, and undamaged to the people that we are now?" That always makes me wonder how unfortunate things in life take out a big part of our soul. If you feel like all that's unfair in life gets dumped on you, you would be dark and twisty. That's what I've become. That again wasn't my choice. I guess it's just normal to feel grudged up about everything when you get a moment to look at your messed up life and somebody else's perfect one. Then I felt helpless and out of choices when we started to get the downside of being a family. We used to live in a small shack, do the best we can to pay the month's rent, ask a lady at the market if we could get a kilo of rice and pay for it the next day just so everybody can go through the day with a little food on our stomach. Then my dad just gave up on being the father of our family and just gave in to everything that he lost. He indirectly passed the responsibility on to me without even considering if I was ready. This made me feel like I was left with choices yet again. But since I was a good daughter, I did the best that I could. Then he started to get sick, then terminally ill, I had to provide for his medication, his operation, his hospital visits, my two brothers school bills, our family's immediate needs, etc, etc. No choices but never complained and regretted for one bit. I was happy doing these things because it was a good feeling, being there and able to help my family but for the most part of it, I was unhappy, especially the part where I get to be here in Saudi Arabia to work and not get the chance to go home just because I was tired and because I want to live my own life for once. I still don't get to choose until now. I hope to be able to feel to choose someday.
---So, I have been awake for 12 hours. I packed my stuff just so they're ready when I leave and just because it made me feel good to pretend that I get to leave. I had an emotional meltdown on the phone while I was confiding with Tj. I am betrothed to him and it's expected of him to understand everything about me. He is my Clyde. He just is. I tried very hard to tell him everything that I felt. I'm not good in talking to people about my feelings (which explains this blog) but I tried and I think I got it all out of my system. He was patient and he actually listened. He gave me advises, he gave me options as to however to move on, he named things for me to do differently, and he told me to hold on for a bit more. He told me all the possible things to make me feel better. It was nice to hear that somebody was on my side and that somebody really understands me because almost all the people that I expect to just couldn't. I'm calm now. I don't know if I'll be tomorrow.

A beautiful day to quit

I didn't go to the Mid-Year Assembly. I quit. I broke up with my fiancée. I quit. I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I quit. I don't want to be a member of the upcoming Christian Life Program for Singles For Christ. I quit. I didn't eat that much today. I quit. I didn't want to get out of bed. I quit. I can't feel anything. I quit. I can't cry. I quit. I don't want to make plans anymore. I quit. I don't want to understand. I quit. I don't want to believe in promises anymore. I quit. I don't want to dream anymore. I quit. I don't want to believe in love and in destiny. I quit. I don't want to get married and have kids anymore. I quit. I don't want to be here. I quit. I don't want to be responsible for other people anymore. I quit. I don't want to talk. I quit. I want to be silent. I quit. I want to pack my suitcase. I quit. I want to run away from everybody. I quit. I don't want to see people. I quit. I don't want to hear stories about other people's perfect little lives. I quit. I don't want to see happy photos. I quit. I want to be alone. I quit. I want everybody to leave me alone. I quit.

SFC Ladies Bonding 05-20-2011