Choices

Choices. Why don't I get mine? I couldn't tell you how it started exactly but I could tell you when I started to feel that I wasn't entitled to any choices. When my dad was still alive, he was our own personal Nazi. He dictated everything about our lives. From the time we would wake up, the food that we should eat, the clothes we should be wearing and personally, he told me what music to listen to, what course I should take and what school to study at when I was in college. I used  to want to be free-spirited but he killed most parts of my soul just because he was my father. I didn't regret that I didn't get to choose who my father should be because I understood what he intended for me in the end. Every effort to make things better, shiny and new was too late because the damages have been done which of course made me the person that I am now. This always make me think (when I see a baby), "how did we come from being a tiny baby, being cared for, all the attention is on us, and undamaged to the people that we are now?" That always makes me wonder how unfortunate things in life take out a big part of our soul. If you feel like all that's unfair in life gets dumped on you, you would be dark and twisty. That's what I've become. That again wasn't my choice. I guess it's just normal to feel grudged up about everything when you get a moment to look at your messed up life and somebody else's perfect one. Then I felt helpless and out of choices when we started to get the downside of being a family. We used to live in a small shack, do the best we can to pay the month's rent, ask a lady at the market if we could get a kilo of rice and pay for it the next day just so everybody can go through the day with a little food on our stomach. Then my dad just gave up on being the father of our family and just gave in to everything that he lost. He indirectly passed the responsibility on to me without even considering if I was ready. This made me feel like I was left with choices yet again. But since I was a good daughter, I did the best that I could. Then he started to get sick, then terminally ill, I had to provide for his medication, his operation, his hospital visits, my two brothers school bills, our family's immediate needs, etc, etc. No choices but never complained and regretted for one bit. I was happy doing these things because it was a good feeling, being there and able to help my family but for the most part of it, I was unhappy, especially the part where I get to be here in Saudi Arabia to work and not get the chance to go home just because I was tired and because I want to live my own life for once. I still don't get to choose until now. I hope to be able to feel to choose someday.
---So, I have been awake for 12 hours. I packed my stuff just so they're ready when I leave and just because it made me feel good to pretend that I get to leave. I had an emotional meltdown on the phone while I was confiding with Tj. I am betrothed to him and it's expected of him to understand everything about me. He is my Clyde. He just is. I tried very hard to tell him everything that I felt. I'm not good in talking to people about my feelings (which explains this blog) but I tried and I think I got it all out of my system. He was patient and he actually listened. He gave me advises, he gave me options as to however to move on, he named things for me to do differently, and he told me to hold on for a bit more. He told me all the possible things to make me feel better. It was nice to hear that somebody was on my side and that somebody really understands me because almost all the people that I expect to just couldn't. I'm calm now. I don't know if I'll be tomorrow.