Midlife Crisis

As a major evolutionary stage in middle adulthood, the midlife crisis corresponds to a change, a transition, or an existential turning point that is not necessarily pathological and takes place somewhere between the ages of thirty-five and fifty.

Am I somewhere between 35 and 50? I don't think so. But how could I explain what is happening to me now?

Before, when I was younger, I used to dream of having the life which for me, is good enough. A life, with not a lot of money but just enough; A life with someone who will love me for the rest of my life, have a house of our own, a family, and jobs that will pay for everything; And a life that's simple but happy. 

Things didn't go as I wanted them to be. My father got sick and eventually passed away which led me to work abroad to support my family. I was the eldest, that was expected of me. I wasn't selfish and I sacrificed my own happiness for the benefit of others.

I am in debt and I still don't know how to pay for everything that I owe. I work as hard as I could but still it isn't enough. I want to save money for myself but I end up giving everything.

I clean bathrooms for a living, and now I think that I will for the rest of my living years. So much for having a family of my own. 

I have been searching for that person that will love me and accept me in spite of everything that I have been through. I've been searching and waiting for God knows how long, I always ended up with nothing. And now, I found him. He is perfect. But how come I always think and feel that I don't deserve him?

Somebody once told me, that one shouldn't give up even if one have been through a lot of frustrations because someday, God will give you twice as much of everything that you have desired. I am now feeling that somehow but I feel like I don't deserve it.

I have now decided that I will just let him go because he has a great deal of good things ahead of him and I will just be someone who will not let that happen if I choose to continue being with him. I'll ruin everything for him because he'll be stuck with a no-good-for-anything like me.

This really hurts. This feels so unfair. But this is for his own good. I know he won't forgive me but I know that someday he will realize that he deserves someone much better.

I love you so much. I really do. I hope for only the best for you. I am really sorry. Goodbye Teejay Espeña.