It’s yet another day of my struggle with my alter ego. How far insane is thinking that “talking to yourself” is normal? That’s where I’m at now (I feel like Gollum and Sméagol – The Lord of the rings). My level of insanity I suppose.
I had plans. I’m a planner. I like planning things. I like them to happen according to a specific plot. Now it turns out that all that I’ve planned turned out to be crap. Drafts of all sorts, they were. I never reached a final manuscript.
I stress about how to get out of here. I’ve planned for the day of my freedom to come. It was a good plan but now I’ve had two more plans which were crappy but okay. They all went straight to the garbage bin. Now I have a new plan. And I was hoping that Tj would be in it with me. Together. The two of us. I was expecting him to tell me that he will be wherever I will be but apparently, I feel like he keeps on changing his mind. It’s as if he lost all of his interest in being with me. He appears to be un-excited. Maybe I’m wrong. I always think of him this way because I feel like he’s been different lately. I miss the Tj that I knew before. I miss the Tj that always reminded me that I was that one person in the world that he waited for.
I know he has options. I shouldn’t be dragging him down to the misery that I am in. He deserves better than being with somebody like me. I’m nothing. I have become nothing. I used to want to be something. Someone who has accomplished a lot of things but that wasn’t my luck. I became this. A dark and twisty person who thinks differently, who is insecure and jealous all the time, and who believes in everything that her alter ego thinks is true. I don’t deserve to love anybody because I am unworthy and incapable of doing so.
I’ve been putting him through hell when I should be giving him heaven on earth because that is what he has given me.
Am I insane enough to drive the only person that all others couldn’t even slightly be like away?
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